For me, one of the delights of getting older is having the opportunity to model what a loving, generous, thoughtful grown-up life can look like to the kids and teens around me. Obviously, it must be said that I DO NOT do this perfectly, not even a little bit – but it is something I think about often. What messages am I sending to the younger people around me about what it means to be a grown-up? From looking at me, will they think it’s fun? A privilege? Something to look forward to? Or will they think it looks like a drag, something to be delayed as long as people?
And how about marriage? What will they think about marriage from watching and listening to me? Will they think it’s something that holds me back? That exasperates me? That erases me? Or will they sense it’s something that delights me, nourishes me, and challenges me to be the best version of myself?
In addition to my children, some of the people I am most aware of having the opportunity to influence are our babysitters. I think about it so much! At a time in their lives when, psychologically, they’re pulling away from their parents and looking more to their peers and social media, how interesting is it that they can come into our home environment – a somewhat neutral space – and (hopefully!) see the beauty and allure of something beyond high school or college life, or the shiny facade of social media. In the smallest of ways, I hope being welcomed into our lives expands their perspective of what matters in the big picture, and maybe gives them something to look forward to when school or their social life feels hard. (Or even when it feels like the opposite – like high school is the MOST FUN they’ll ever have in their life, and everything else will be downhill from there).
Or maybe they’ve literally never had these thoughts once, ha! But I suspect they have, because I remember having them when I was their age. In high school, I had teachers and other mentors who sparked my interest in grown-up life and inspired the direction I wanted to grow, and I am SO grateful for that.
All this as long-winded intro to sharing these “boxes of sunshine” that we sent to our two babysitters who started college this fall. June and I cruised the aisles of Target to select goodies for them; everything fit surprisingly neatly into fig bar boxes from Costco :) A little yellow tissue paper and curly ribbon brought everything together! Here’s what we included in our college care packages:
Scarecrow Crunch trail mix (one gal said this was her favorite item in the box and it really does look delicious)
And a note from me, a letter from June, and a drawing from Shep. Of course, it must be said you could literally put any one of these items and a heartfelt note in a mailer and ship it off to an 18-year-old and it would bring a smile to their face, but we had fun putting these together.
I would love to hear if you ever think about the messages you’re sending to the younger ones around you! If you do, what’s the message you hope you convey?
There is one detail about our family life that tells you pretty much everything you need to know about John as a father and, really, as a person, and here it is: when our kids cry out in the middle of the night, they call for Daddy.
I know this is unusual, because every time it comes up in conversation the other person is staggered. Moms are simply the default middle-of-the-night parent, it seems. And this makes sense, to a certain extent: if you’re breastfeeding, you are the one that’s needed in the middle of the night. And then, as with many other patterns, it simply… continues.
That’s not what happened in our family. It turns out I am a very deep sleeper, and so when June was born, I would sometimes sleep through her baby cries (even though she was in the same room as us). John, though, would hear her. He would go to her in her bassinet, change her diaper by the dim light of the cracked bathroom door, re-swaddle her, and then deliver her to me to nurse. Every night, often multiple times a night, without fail.
Maybe it’s that imprint of him coming to each tiny baby’s aid from their earliest days, or maybe it’s the relentless gentleness, attention, and care he’s paid them every day since. For whatever reason, when it’s dark and our children are scared, or cry themselves awake from coughing, or vomit into their favorite stuffies and blankets, or bolt upright in bed, suddenly desperate for a sip of water, Daddy is the one they call for. They know he will always come, and they know he will always take care of them. He’ll turn on the nightlight, he’ll bring them water, he’ll change the sheets and pajamas and find new stuffies and tuck them back in. All, many times, without Mama even knowing anything is happening.
One day, our children will realize how extraordinary their father is, and how lucky they are to have him: a Daddy who loves deeply, and sacrifices deeply – a Daddy who loves them so deeply he’d never call it a sacrifice. But I know this now, and this weekend I’ll honor him and all of the other extraordinary dads loving and sacrificing quietly, gently, day in and day out. Happy Father’s Day. xo
I’m not telling you anything new when I say that making time for friends – let alone making new ones – takes effort as an adult. Without some of the built-in opportunities for togetherness we enjoy when we’re younger, plus all of the time-consuming responsibilities of being an adult, making and keeping plans with the people I care about can feel like a part-time job.
And that’s just the logistics! If you’re an introvert like me, there can be a whole other level of fatigue from the vulnerability of putting yourself out there over and over again. Despite this, I’m always a bit shocked when I look around and realize (with much gratitude!) that I actually do have thriving friendships in my life. And one thing has been a game changer: systematizing them. Incredibly unromantic, incredibly helpful :)
Basically, I realized that my most consistent friendships – in many cases, the ones that feel the closest – have an automatic cadence. We’ve figured out the best and easiest way to spend time together and now we replicate it over and over. Here’s what that looks like for me, and how you might try this in your life if it sounds like something you need…
1. Name the friendships that matter most in this season. Get out a piece of paper and literally write down all of the friendships in your life right now – close by and far away, old and new, couple friends and college friends and church friends and mom friends and work friends and neighborhood friends and parents-of-your-kid’s-friends friends. Mark the ones you’d most like to nurture in this season of life.
2. For each priority relationship, brainstorm the best way to enjoy each other’s company. In some cases, this might simply be naming something that’s already in place. If not, maybe you can build off a rhythm that already exists, or replicate something you’ve enjoyed in the past. (An important point: the goal is not necessarily to have more social engagements, though that may end up happening. The goal is to make it easier to see the people who matter most.)
Another small aside: do you ever struggle with feeling like you’re the one who always extends the invitation? Does that feel unfair? Even though it is factually not true in my case (and probably not in yours!), the perception can leave me feeling vulnerable and resentful.
In recent years, though, I’ve successfully turned this feeling on its head. I GET to choose the activities that sound fun to me and work with my season of life! I GET to be the one to delight my friends! Instead of waiting for other people to ask, I can extend the invite with joy in my own time.
3. Implement the routine and make it sticky. No need to call up each friend and have a formal conversation, but if you’re suggesting a new rhythm, it might be helpful to broach the subject directly (“what do you think about meeting up for a walk on Thursday mornings?”). Once you’ve agreed to a rhythm (with the understanding that you can always adjust as life requires!), find a way to automate the planning. Usually, this looks like choosing a standing date (the first Friday of the month, every Monday morning) or putting the next date on the calendar before you part ways.
Of course, it goes without saying that even if you have a way you usually spend time with someone, that doesn’t mean you can’t ever do anything different. Of course you can! This is just an easy way to remove the burden of feeling like you need to reinvent the wheel every time you want to hang with a friend.
My friendships in adulthood have evolved alongside my life stage. They looked one way when we were engaged and newly married, another when we had just one baby, and now another when we have multiple school-age kids. Here are a few of the current friendship rhythms that are giving me life:
— Articles Club, of course! We meet on a certain day each month, and our gathering for discussion and dinner is a delightful way to spend time with ten wonderful friends. Several years in, we all know to keep “our” Tuesday evening clear on the calendar.
— Many of you may remember that I worked with Kristin and Lisa for several years at Southern Weddings. Lisa and I literally sat next to each other five days a week, so we didn’t really need an excuse to spend time together outside of work. When SW retired, though, we went several years only seeing each other sporadically. Then, a few months into the pandemic, we cautiously met up on Lisa’s porch for Prosecco and snacks after kiddo bedtime one evening. We set a date to meet up the next month before we left, and I don’t think we’ve missed a month in the last year and a half.
— Our annual camping trip with the Rays is a guaranteed weekend of late-night fireside chats and kiddo bonding.
— Making Fridays even sweeter: we do preschool pick-up at the same time as two other dear families, walk to a nearby bakery together for after-dinner treats, and let the kids run around while the grown-ups swap work-week updates and weekend plans for an hour.
— New babies have us a little out of our routine, but a neighborhood friend and I were in a great rhythm of early-morning walks every other week or so.
— Pandemic notwithstanding, I stumbled into a pattern of hosting a larger party once a year for my best gals (like the garden party or book swap party). This is a great catchall opportunity to be with those friends I might not see on a regular basis and a fun chance to flex my party-planning-loving heart! Fingers crossed I can make the potluck party I’ve been dreaming up for two years happen this spring…
There are more examples I could give, and more rhythms I have ideas for but have yet to implement, but I hope this gives you something to consider as you think through your own friendships! Like many of the best ideas, this is a very simple concept – but one that has paid dividends in my life in recent years.
If you have a friendship rhythm that’s working for you, I’d love to hear about it!
Nothing fancy, just a list of really great gifts that we’ve given, own, have on our wishlists, or are considering giving to our loved ones. With sales popping left and right this week, my hope is that somewhere in this list, you’ll find something that speaks to a personal connection with one of your loved ones (always the best gifts!) — or will at least get your wheels turning :)
For husbands, dads, and brothers: — A phone tripod he can keep in his wallet (we have and love this!) — An at-home car wash. I did this when John started a new job a few years, and it made his car look mint condition. — The Psychology of Money. A fantastic, compulsively readable book. Would be perfect for any grown-up! — A Solo stove. At least in my circles, this seems to be the gift of 2021, and I’m here for it! — A National Parks Pass + Landmark tee — Red Clay Hot Sauce variety pack. We bought this Southern trio for our hot sauce-loving brother-in-law a few years ago and it was a hit! — A Ted Lasso mug. This would make me so happy to sip from every day, but alas I do not regularly drink a beverage that requires a mug. — A handful of smart plugs to set a scene — A new game — Anything from this post I wrote about John’s wardrobe favorites (so many good things in there!)
For moms, sisters, and best friends: — A sweatshirt for your favorite reader — Or the “anywhere” sweatshirt from my pal Merrick for your wanderlust gal — The best conversation cards (I wrote them! :)) — Half Baked Harvest Super Simple or any cookbook by Jenny Rosenstrach (my favorites: How to Celebrate Everything and The Weekday Vegetarians). Make it extra-special by earmarking recipes you love or think she should try first! — A Write the Word journal and Faith action deck. Most WTW volumes have been out of stock for awhile but as of today they’re almost all back, including two of my favorites: Confidence and Fruit of the Spirit! — These pajama pants are clearly needed by some fabulous person — If you live close enough, a restaurant gift certificate and a night of babysitting, if needed — These serving trays from Rifle are absolutely gorgeous. It was so hard to choose but I have this round blue and white one to keep things corralled on my dresser and I love it so much. — The most darling butter dish. I love the yellow and green palette! — Pretty gold beaded hoop earrings — A subscription to The Atlantic, Our State, or your news media of choice. The media landscape is having a tough time to the detriment of us all – if you think a publication is doing a good job, support them.
For parents or in-laws: Obviously many of the above options would be good fits, but a few additional ideas…
— A Skylight digital photo frame. We gave one of these to my in-laws a few months ago and it has been a hit! So easy – you can send photos straight to it from your phone, so it’s easy for us to send new snaps at the end of a busy weekend or driving home from a hike. — A fresh wreath (coastal or buy one locally and add a bow – these are the ones we use!) — Something beautiful from Farmhouse Pottery. I think the style of their goods is just so timeless and beautiful. Go for a petite pitcher and pair with a jar of maple syrup or splurge on a pantry bowl and pair with a Stonewall Kitchen pancake mix (the best!!). — Floral tea for one set. So lovely and obviously I’m biased because of the name :) — Tickets to go to a game or show together. (For example, my Dad loves the UConn women’s basketball team and for awhile we’d buy him tickets whenever they were playing a team close to where we were living.) — Thymes Frasier Fir candle (absolutely magical) or a National Park-themed candle (whose purchase supports public lands) — A charcuterie board from a local company. In the Triangle, we’re lucky to have both Raleigh Cheesy and Boards & Bites to choose from! — A flexible book light that goes around their neck for easy reading in bed (or repair work, knitting, camping, and more) — A gorgeous pastel rainbow wind chime for their garden — This coffee table book of timeless hymns — A photo mug with the kids or grandkids (yes, they are 30% cheesy, but also beloved) or a photo wall calendar
Lots of fun ideas in last year’s guide, too. And of course, keep in mind that these categories are just starting points – mix and match to your heart’s content! You know your loved ones best!
Up next: Annie’s birth story! Perfect for the week of Thanksgiving :)