The last of my grandparents passed away at the end of January, and on this day of love, I’d be honored to tell you a little bit about her.
Some of you, actually, may already be acquainted: I was lucky enough to feature her in my Marvelous Mama series at the age of 90, where she charmed many readers by recalling the August night she was ready to hand off her would-not-stop-crying baby to any random passerby :)
That interview also gave me one of the simplest and dearest nuggets that I have tucked close to my mothering heart for the last eight years. Best tip for a new parent? I asked. Enjoy being a mother, she said.
That’s it.
Enjoy being a mother.
Not sleep training advice or picky eater advice or how best to think about balancing independence and safety or how to help with homework while instilling responsibility or how to balance work and home duties.
Also, not the stinging, “cherish each moment, the years go by so fast!” admonishment, well-intentioned but with embedded heartbreak.
No — here and now, just enjoy what you have. Enjoy who you are and whose you are and the role you get to fill.
To me, the simplicity of this invitation stops the blustering parental advice machine in its tracks. It quiets to the truth: This is my life. (I am a mother.) These are my kids. (I am their mother.) These are the people I have been given to care for and teach and discipline and feed and listen to and read to and tuck in and… enjoy. In all of that and more, it’s my choice whether I will enjoy.
And since this interview, which came when June was in her first year of life, I have (imperfectly, but faithfully). I wrote about it on June’s first birthday; I’ve thought about it daily. I speak it over myself like a prayer.
And I have had a model in my grandmother, because from what I can tell, she did enjoy being a mother. In fact, she seemed to enjoy every aspect of her life.
This is not because it was easy.
Bang was born in 1926, a true Depression-era baby. After a wealthy childhood (her family had a maid!), she rolled up her sleeves and moved to a dairy farm in Connecticut, raising six children with her husband. She patched clothes and devised frugal meals to feed a crowd. Her career path, though winding, always involved helping those in need: she worked with the Red Cross, for the Department of Children and Families, as a teacher, and with special needs kids. She served on many boards and committees and stepped into countless volunteer roles. Most painfully, she lost her beloved 32-year-old daughter to a drunk driver.
My grandparents at their 50th anniversary party
But Bang would tell you she had a wonderful life. She was married for over fifty years. She continued the legacy of a beautiful and historic family farm (the oldest continuously-working family farm in Connecticut, in fact). Her six children gave her seven grandchildren and five great-grandchildren, all of whom adored her. Until she needed nursing care at the end, she never lived more than a mile from at least one of her children. She was surrounded by loving community at every stage of her life, from her church, to her farming extension, to regional choruses, her extended family, and her island community in Maine. She did work that mattered. She spent time in the sunshine every day.
Playing on the beach in Maine while pregnant with Shep
Her worst offense? Trying to insert herself into every conversation within earshot (simply to listen – she was not one to give unwelcome advice). She had a ready smile and a generous, head-thrown-back laugh. She delighted in the people around her and was content to simply be near her family, even if she couldn’t follow our conversations as closely in the last few years.
Her Depression-era upbringing made for some of her most memorable characteristics. She didn’t want anything to go to waste, obviously, so she indulged in all the usual practices like folding wrapping paper and picking turkey carcasses to the bone. Her home was a maze of books to be donated and stacks of china a grandchild might one day want to have.
This actually led to an unusual family tradition I remember quite fondly. For several years, Bang provided all of the gifts for our extended-family Yankee Swap — by way of my aunts: they selected random items from her house and wrapped them for the exchange, seeing it as a way to remove a few items from the house in a way that Bang would accept. Some years you got a brand-new set of steak knives, sometimes you got an oven mitt imprinted with a local realtor’s contact info.
Family photos on the steps at our cottage in Maine, decades apart (in the top photo, my Dad is in yellow and Bang is in pink)
If there’s one tradition that sums Bang up, though, it’s probably this: at every holiday, she set a very long table (even when the table wasn’t her own). Our family has its share of glue at the seams, but that didn’t phase her. For years, our Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter dinner table might include her children, their spouses, and her grandchildren, yes, but also her children’s ex-wives, their new husbands, and various step-children. Everyone was not only welcome, but personally invited and expected to show up. Most people wouldn’t even think to extend the invitation, or if they did, would worry about awkwardness ensuing. That was not a concern for Bang, and her guileless, sunny personality made everyone feel welcome. Her love for people was unconditional.
So — there is clearly much to love, and much to emulate, here. In 2016, I wrote that “I would be thrilled to be just like her when I turn 90,” and I still feel that way. So the important question for me, now, is this: how can my life, in my home and in my 2024 setting, look more like hers? How can I, with my own circumstances and personality and responsibilities, be more like her? Our contexts are different, yes, but the direction to move in is the same, I think:
Love God.
Love and honor my husband.
Work on things that matter. Aim to help the least of these, no matter my job description.
Value extended family. Gather with them. See each imperfect person as the image bearer they are, and show obvious delight in them.
Focus on tending my mind and heart more than my looks and wardrobe. Think less about what I wear and how I look. Do more crossword puzzles.
Cherish simplicity. Be easy to delight.
Commit, and then show up. Give my best to help my church, schools, and local circles thrive. Act as a “pillar of the community” would.
Remember and honor the past. Tell family stories, even the worn-out ones everyone knows by heart.
Be “everyday active.” Build a life that’s as outside and active as possible.
Give generously and relationally. Don’t be afraid to see people up close, to draw near to them in their messiness and suffering.
Sing loudly and often. Laugh loudly and often.
And just try to enjoy it all.
Dancing with my Dad at my wedding
Bang lived a wonderful life. She is with Jesus, my grandfather, and her beloved daughter, whom she has waited so long to be reunited with (truly, the only part of this post that makes me tear up as I write it). She is no longer suffering, and she can listen in on all of our conversations with perfect clarity :)
Thank you, Bang, for everything. And thank you, friends, for letting me share. xo
Maybe due to my nature, or maybe due to my job, I love January — full stop. You can keep your memes about how it’s 1,000 days long; I’ll keep it rolling as long as possible. And this January seemed like an especially January January for me. John and I laid some foundations for the year ahead (a fresh budget, vacation plans), I dug in deep on a big project and saw some early fruit, and I introduced some tiny new habits that have already made a big difference. How can you not love January, friends?!
But all good things must come to an end – on to February!
On my calendar: — I was asked to be a mentor in a freshmen women’s leadership program at my alma mater this semester and was matched with a gal who seems just lovely. We have our first monthly call this week! — The Divine Consign kids consignment sale. I visited in the fall for the first time and – dare I say it – it *may* have had a better selection than my beloved Hayes Barton. Certainly for older kids! — My birthday! It falls on a Wednesday this year, which is one of my weekdays off. After putting my nose to the grindstone on these days all January, I’m giving myself the gift of a purely fun day during the kids’ school hours. I’ll volunteer in June’s classroom to start things off (my usual weekly slot), then might take myself to a few thrift shops (I’ve been wanting to visit Pigfish Lane), eat lunch out (maybe with friends?!), and who knows what else? I’m excited.
What I’m loving right now (friend edition!): — My friend Cherith’s incredibly-helpful small business planner, which is like a wise friend to hold your hand as you create a business plan step-by-step. I had the joy of editing it at several steps in the production process, and it’s comprehensive and delightful! — The Bear’s “Forks”. I was already planning to recommend this standalone episode (it’s the only one of the show I’ve seen!), and then my friend Pressley went and wrote this essay that perfectly encapsulates its perfection. You truly can watch it even if you know nothing about the show, and I recommend you do. — Bumble Brews Play Cafe in Raleigh. My friend Libby opened this darling space in December with her husband, and the Articles Club gals feel like we’ve been along for the small business ride – not for the faint of heart! Stop by for a delicious warm beverage and a cozy space to play with your little one (they recommend 0-6!).
Okay — one more! (And not exactly a BFF but a gal can dream.)
As a reminder, you can find allll the things I’ve loved over the last few years neatly organized right here!
What you’re loving right now:
This is where I highlight a few items here that have been popular in the last month with fellow readers, based on my analytics. Here’s hoping this will help you find something you’ll love!
— Y’all! The Articles Club Guide was a favorite from January! Thank you for being excited alongside us for our little niche slice of joy :) — The sticky mini easel pad we use for Team Thomas Tuesdays — The pink mailbox we use for Valentine’s Day fun — this one is very similar — Outlive, a book that’s playing a central role in one of my 2024 goals — The Anxious Generation, a book we’ve preordered x 3 (how happy am I that two of the top five are books?)
Last month on The Connected Family:
Adding a segment to round up the previous month’s posts on TCF! So many of you have subscribed (thank you!), but if you haven’t, and a conversation about kids, technology, and family culture sounds meaningful for you, I’d love for you to join us.
This was an unusual month for reading! I’m stretching several books (The Great Dechurching, Outlive, and Made for People) over a longer span for various reasons, and so only have a few to report on in full. They are:
— The Vanderbeekers Make a Wish | I continue to be wowed and delighted by how Karina Yan Glaser tackles harder topics for elementary kids with warmth, gentleness, and discernment. A favorite series for sure. — The Armor of Light | Another excellent installment of the epic Kingsbridge series! Made me want to go back and read the original – maybe this summer :) — Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets | June received the illustrated second installment for her eighth birthday and we whizzed through it together.
Revisiting my January goals: Kick off The Connected Family well with four weekly posts (Yes! Exceeded my expectations in every way and I’m super grateful. I was honored to earn a little orange check mark in the last week of the month, which marks a Substack bestselling publication. Thank you, thank you, thank you again!) Write ahead to complete drafts of February’s TCF posts (I did not get quite as far as I was hoping, but I did complete drafts of three (out of five) posts for the month!) Complete at least 85 hours of deep work (Whew, this one kicked my tail! A learning curve for sure. I chose 85 because it’s roughly 1000 / 12, but I fell decidedly short for various reasons and amassed 35. Adjusting for February!) Send an inquiry to our top builder candidate (Inquiry sent and we also had an initial meeting. We are waiting to hear back from him on next steps but we have a lot to consider.) Begin the Bible Recap reading plan (Yes, indeed! On track and it has been great so far! We listen together while we’re getting ready for bed.) Read the first three chapters of Outlive (Done! This was greatly helped by a tip from Lara that the audiobook is available on Spotify Premium, which we already pay for.) Take the Birds and Bees course (We set a date in February!) Prep for our Valentines mailbox (Underway! It’s been fun to come up with a few new ideas this year, like making wax paper crayon suncatchers, trying out the pasta maker we were gifted and have never used (eep), and a Poppin kit from HMart.)
February goals: — Reach out to an upholsterer and/or visit a showroom for goal no. 1 — Rehab and paint June’s new (old) desk, which my parents drove down from their home in Connecticut. She chose Purple Cream for the color :) — Finalize the secrets + swag for the AC retreat — Complete at least 60 hours of deep work (which works out to about 3 hours for every weekday in February, with a little grace built in) — Write one module of the TCF course — Read chapters 4, 5, and 6 of Outlive — Take the Birds & Bees course with John
As a reminder, many of these are drawn from my 2024 goals!
Next week’s post is a dear and personal one for me… looking forward to sharing it with you. Until then, I’d love to hear your thoughts on January — or anything else you’d like to chat about!
You may recall that one of my informal “resolutions” for 2023 was chronicling our trips on EFM within a month of returning home. I’m happy to say that I stuck to it, including for the Articles Club retreat, our road trip to Serenbe and Watercolor, weekend trips to the Biltmore and Beaufort, our anniversary weekend in Charleston, and a long weekend in Boone. It’s a resolution I’m carrying into 2024, so expect more prompt travelogues coming your way in the months to come :)
But before we kick off 2024 travel, there’s one trip from 2023 I have yet to chronicle: Thanksgiving week in the Florida Keys with my extended family. I’d love to share a few photos and details, if you’d like to see!
Like last year’s trip to Watercolor, this Thanksgiving trip was in honor of a major wedding anniversary for one of our parents – in this case, my parents’ 40th (albeit two years delayed!). They graciously paid for most of the trip, and once we jointly decided on the Florida Keys as our destination, they handed over the reins to John to plan the details.
This was an honor and something he was happy to do (travel planning is one of his hobbies!), but it was also intimidating! Though my family travels a well-worn groove to Maine each year, we haven’t done much other group travel. Within our numbers we have different accommodation, budget, and activities preferences, and so it was nerve-wracking for John to feel he was making decisions for a varied group, for a destination we’d never been to, and for an expensive (!) and milestone trip like this.
But of course, he did an amazing job. My expectations for the trip as a whole were exceeded and I think it’s safe to say everyone had a great time.
Where We Stayed in the Florida Keys:
After researching the many (many!) towns that make up the Florida Keys, we settled on Marathon for our home base. We were looking for cottage-style accommodations (versus hotel rooms), which limited our options. We ultimately decided on two side-by-side beach houses at Tranquility Bay in Marathon and were very pleased with the decision.
The beach houses each had a full kitchen, a dining room table, a living room area, three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and upper and lower porches. The upper porches had expansive views of the ocean and the lower porches had wide steps down to a grassy lawn that led to the beach and pool.
Getting to the Florida Keys:
Since we were joining up from various points in the country, getting to the Florida Keys was an adventure in itself. We opted to meet up in Fort Lauderdale on the Sunday before Thanksgiving before caravanning down to Marathon the next day. My sister and her family drove from Charlotte, and the rest of us flew into FLL from our respective home airports: Nashville, Raleigh, and Hartford.
We rented an SUV at the airport and got everyone to the Pelican Grand Beach Resort in Fort Lauderdale, where we were staying the night. We had plenty of time to eat lunch by the pool, wade in the waves on the wide beach, and have an outdoor dinner that night along the canal at Casa Sensei.
We chose the Pelican Grand because it had suites, which is always helpful for traveling with kids, and because it was right on the ocean with a pool and lazy river. We ate breakfast the next morning in their restaurant, which was convenient and yummy, but, you know, expensive :)
After breakfast we packed up and drove about an hour to Gator Park in the Florida Everglades – another National Park to check off our list!
We bought tickets (no reservations required) for an airboat tour of the Everglades and it was… perfect. And perfectly hilarious. Our boat captain was straight out of central casting – everything you could hope for in a gator guide. He had a deep, gravely voice, skin browned from years in the sun, and personal names for all the gators. He expertly guided us through the reedy channels and opened the throttle as we skimmed over the marsh grasses. We saw LOTS of gators, many swimming right next to the boat. Annie slept through the whole thing :)
Things to Do in the Florida Keys:
After the gator tour and a quick lunch, we drove the remaining 2.5 hours south to Marathon for our next four days in the Keys. We worked hard to create an itinerary that reflected everyone’s interests, and it paid off – we pretty much stuck to it!
After checking in on Monday around 5pm, we headed to dinner on-site at the Butterfly Cafe, Tranquility Bay’s nicer restaurant. We ate outside on the porch at a verrrrry long table, and it was delightful.
The next day (Tuesday) we spent the morning moving between the pool and the beach, where there was cornhole, a giant chessboard, and a volleyball net. We ate lunch on the beach, too, at TJ’s, the resort’s other (more casual) on-property restaurant.
This was a very relaxed day — Annie napped at the house in the afternoon, and the rest of us read, played games, visited the beach, chatted, and swam in the pool. Kim, John, and I even made it to Tranquility Bay’s gym, which was actually really fun to do together :)
For dinner we headed to Burdine’s Waterfront, a casual bar and grill at a marina where we had hush puppies, cheeseburgers, shrimp burgers, key lime pie, and delicious fries — and a gorgeous sunset! We finished the evening with a round of mini golf and games back at the house.
The next day (Wednesday) was our day trip to Key West! I was a little unsure of what to expect because, you know, Key West is known for being kooky, but it was a great day. We started by touring the West Martello Gardens and Fort. The botanical garden is on the site of a former Civil War fort; admission is free and it’s beautiful.
We then drove a short distance to the Truman Waterfront Park, home to the US Coast Guard cutter Ingham, now a floating maritime museum.
As many of you know, my Dad was an officer in the Coast Guard for most of my life, and even served on the Ingham briefly during the Mariel boatlift. It was incredibly cool and meaningful to get to tour it with my kids and to share this important part of our family’s life, and I can only imagine how special it was for my Dad to get to do it with all his grandkids.
After about an hour and a half on the ship, we walked over to Kaya Island Eats for a late lunch. Fish tacos under a shade canopy hit the spot.
While we considered taking a photo with the famous Southernmost Point Buoy, the line was insane – so we hopped back in the car for the hourlong drive back to Marathon, which all of the kids took as an opportunity to nap. Once home, some of us went in the pool and we made tacos for dinner at the house.
The next day was Thursday – Thanksgiving! And what an unusual Thanksgiving it was :) We watched a bit of the parade in the morning, then set off for a kayak adventure through the mangroves of Boot Key (we booked our rentals through Key Kayak).
It was incredible! We saw dolphins, leaping manta rays, and manatees so close we could touch them (!!!) while on our two-hour tour. (For those wondering, I had Annie and June in one tandem kayak and John and Shep were in the other, while the rest of the fam took either tandems or singles.)
We headed back to the house to rinse off or hop in the pool while some of the grown-ups got Thanksgiving dinner ready. We had opted to order a meal from Publix catering, and while we were all pleasantly surprised at the quality and tastiness, it was more challenging than we expected to get everything warm and on the table at once. (Little things like not having tin foil tripped us up!) But we did it, and we were more than thankful to get to celebrate together :)
We closed out the day by catching the sunset from Seven-Mile Bridge, a Florida Keys classic if there ever was one, and with a performance by the kids of their original song about my parents – set to the tune of “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys, which was their wedding song. John’s credited on the liner notes as a co-lyricist :)
On our last full day in the Keys we had yet another very special adventure: a dolphin encounter at the Dolphin Research Center! Needless to say, the kids were incredibly excited about this and I don’t blame them: this was something I desperately wanted to do when I was their age. (As an aside, granting my kids a wish that went unfulfilled in my child is an interesting experience: there’s joy and delight in doing it, yes, but it can also bring up worries about “spoiling” them or whether they’ll truly appreciate what they’re being given. But I DIGRESS.)
For both our kids and the kids inside us, this was a delightful excursion. We got to get in the water with the dolphins, touch them, lead them in skills, hold hoops for them to swim to, watch them leap out of the water, and learn more about the center and the research and rehabilitation they do. Very, very cool. We had lunch at Island Fish Co (good, but not my favorite), then headed back to Tranquility Bay for naps and more dips in the pool. Our last meal was a spaghetti dinner in the cottage – easy!
We packed up on Saturday morning and went our separate ways – some flying and some driving.
Though I wouldn’t want to spend Thanksgiving in the Keys, or even at a destination, every year, it was a fun adventure to do it this year. We squeezed in many memorable moments in celebration of a very wonderful anniversary, and I’m grateful we could be together. (And grateful to my parents for making it happen, in more ways than one!)
If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them in the comments! Thanks for letting me share, friends!
If you’ve been around for a few years, you know that most years, in the fall, I share a post marking another year of Articles Club. Last year, I missed that post – but it was for a good reason! Behind the scenes, a few of us were working on a very special guide, and I waited to post until it was ready. And now it is!
Meet: The Articles Club Guide! Over the last eight years, we’ve fielded many questions about our beloved AC:
What is an articles club? How can I start one? How can I find people to join? How have you kept this going for so long??
We are genuinely happy to answer these questions – all of us want to spread the good news of articles club! – but also, if you’re really interested in starting your own group, I don’t just want to answer a few questions: I want to dump everything I’ve learned, and all of my considerable enthusiasm for what this group has meant to my life, into your lap, in the hopes that you will, indeed, go on to start your own.
That’s not always practical on a large scale. So — we made a guide! After brainstorming as a group, four of us got together and wrote out everything we know about starting and sustaining an articles club. Here’s a glimpse at the table of contents:
Fun, right? We put everything together into a beautiful package and you can purchase it right here for $20. All proceeds will go toward funding our annual weekend together, so rest assured you’re contributing to adult friendship bracelets, brownies-still-gooey-from-the-oven, and a polar plunge off the lakeside cabin’s dock. (Eep! We’re going with a Parent Trap theme this year, so it only seemed appropriate. Bathing suits will be worn. Fingers crossed no towels get stolen from the shoreline.)
So far, we’ve spun off three other articles club groups across state lines, and few things bring me more joy than knowing we’ve played a small part in spreading the joy we’ve experienced to others. In a world shadowed by loneliness, this feels like a small way to beat back the darkness.
Speaking of darkness: I was putting June to bed the other night, and she was telling me how she doesn’t like it when she’s trying to fall asleep and it’s quiet downstairs, but “my favorite nights are when you have Articles Club because I can hear everyone laughing.”
My heart!
My children may grow up in a world where true friendship – friendship that sits with you when you’re broken, and makes you laugh til you cry, and follows up on your prayer request, and doesn’t gatekeep anything – is rare. But hopefully, because they’ve seen it modeled by my beautiful friends, they’ll know what they’re looking for – and maybe even be inspired to create their own candlelit nights around a messy table, with good food and lots of laughter, for others. May it be so.
